Comments on: The Beast That Swallows Its Young

By: musicalux

musicalux — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:08:22 +0000

Brilliant and chilling song, sir. A tip of the hat to you, and best wishes.

By: bluediamond2077

bluediamond2077 — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 14:13:27 +0000

You know what happens in retail though. You work hard to get a head and management passes you up for a promotion because some other new girl who came in fresh out of high school flirts with the manager . Or you get a great manager who tells you that your next in line to become a manager then that mgr gets fired . Both happened to me. it’s better to get a job with what you know then a job based on how much you kiss ass or sell your soul. Going to school to become a RN now.

By: miss congeniality

miss congeniality — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 14:04:44 +0000

Sounds great, I am impressed. The only thing I would change would be the sentance that says "a world he had known for years and a world that held all sorts of new adventures." you are implying a little too much here. you should say a world he had known for the past (how old is he 9,10) years and a world that looks into his future. something like that. very very good though!

By: independence442

independence442 — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 07:20:21 +0000

College is pumped up with lies, lies, and more lies. They brainwash kids into believing a degree will guarantee a job and make you filthy rich.

Kids go into fantasy land in their minds, they blindly believe it, they take out mortgage-sized loans, they graduate, and behold, their hopes and dreams are crushed!

When they’re in college, the loan amount is just a number, until they graduate and have to start paying it back.

By: Dianaaa

Dianaaa — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 06:12:35 +0000

It's not the kind of book I would read. Okay, I'm tender-hearted and besides don't care for vampire, werewolf, or mythical creatures, but I would say as a general thing that the paragraphs are way too long.

Without regard to the actual words, think of what all that condensed ink looks like on the page. It does not invite the eye to continue reading. Break your material into shorter, more manageable pieces. would be my advice.

By: miss congeniality

miss congeniality — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 05:44:15 +0000

WOW! you've got the makings of a great book there! Intriguing and well written.

My two comments: don't use 'fire engine red' it isn't universal to have red fire engines and it is a cliche…. also, I realize the names are supposed to be Japanese, but all of them starting with Sh will quickly get confusing.

Keep going!!!!!!!

By: rqbrain

rqbrain — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:17:37 +0000

@independence442 bill gates was a genius

By: Dianaaa

Dianaaa — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 06:29:29 +0000

This is good for a prelude. It has that mysterious and foreboding tone that is exactly what you want for this genre. The general assumption is gonna be that this guy is evil. It would very interesting to see how you humanize him [whether he is evil with good intentions or good with bad intentions or something in the middle]. Some suggestions would be for you to flush it out more. I would like a better idea of the setting [though you shouldn't go into too much detail]. Also, I think it would very interesting to 'see' what the boy is thinking. I can only imagine the confusion, fear, and or rage he must feel. As for the inner monologue, if you're gonna have a lot of that, you should probably use single quotation marks around them so that the reader doesn't get lost. Finally, ignore the person who says to tighten it up, at least until you have a rough draft of your story.In fact, I would say go crazy and include as much stuff as you can. You can easily go back and tighten it up later but if you don't have enough material, you'll have to go back to this part and add stuff which may or may not affect the rest of your story.

By: independence442

independence442 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:45:07 +0000

(Continued)

Ever since the beginning of high school, I’ve promised myself that I won’t get into the debt trap known as college.

I have the spirit and confidence to do without college. I’ll be grateful knowing that I can get ahead in life, and not sign any damned loans.

If Bill Gates can make it without college, anyone else can.

Independents lead the way!

By: bluediamond2077

bluediamond2077 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:25:24 +0000

good luck with that. 14 years of bull shit for me trying to make a living. finally cracked and went back to college. Rather be in debt then stuck another year at home depot.